The Dangers of People Search Sites

By Voices of Women | October 25, 2020 in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, HARRASSMENT, SURVIVORSHIP

Recently, I decided to search for my name and address on the internet. It was purely out of curiosity to see what I would find. What I saw terrified me. I saw my name (maiden and formerly married name), current address, previous addresses, past phone numbers, and connections to people related to me. My life was like an online map for all to see without my permission. My information was posted on sites known as “people search sites.” These sites also offer more information about me for a fee.

People search sites gather your information through online websites, social media, public, and sometimes private records. They have an automatic opt-in policy. They don’t ask if they can consolidate your data and post it. They just do it.

Many users of people search sites use them to reconnect with old friends and other reasons that do not cause harm. However, the data can be weaponized. For many domestic violence survivors, seeing their personal information online is like setting their safety plan(s) on fire. If perpetrators of abuse want to continue to victimize survivors, they can use people search sites as their agents in helping them to terrorize survivors.

 Survivors of domestic violence should not have to worry that their personal information is online, without their permission, for the world to see. People search sites claim that their main goal is to connect people who have lost touch with one another. That may have been the case in the beginning. Now they are data mining, and people looking to invade your privacy can do so with a click of their mouse.  

 The privacy issues surrounding people search sites are enormous, and the rules governing what they can or cannot disclose are confusing or don’t exist. It is our goal to provide you with some practical ways to guard your identity against these sites:

 Some Tips:

  • People search sites do have an opt-out policy. It’s not easily seen on their websites. Below are websites that can help you opt-out of some of these sites. Please note, it is not a complete list of people search sites.

https://lifehacker.com/how-to-opt-out-of-the-most-popular-people-search-sites-1791536533

https://www.techlicious.com/tip/remove-yourself-spokeo-intelius-peoplesmart-mylife/

  •  Be conscious of what you post on social media including pictures with identifiable backgrounds.
  •  There are online reputation service companies that can assist you in removing your data online for a fee. 
  •  Check for your personal information on the web from time to time and when it is safe to do so. 

 Learn More. Articles about people search sites are below:

USA Today- 

https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/columnist/2018/05/04/delete-yourself-internet-people-finder-sites-worth/553371002/

 The Verge-

https://www.theverge.com/2017/3/21/14945884/people-search-sites-history-privacy-regulation

 National Network To End Domestic Violence- 

https://www.techsafety.org/peoplesearchesanddatabrokers  (The article gives a process to opt-out of Intelius and Zabasearch, which requires you to mail/fax your request to them. They now have an online opt-out process on their website. It is one opt-out process for both. Intelius owns Zabasearch: http://intelius.com/optout.

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Inmate Custody/Release Information

By Voices of Women | April 11, 2020 in GENERAL NEWS

Victim Information and Notification Everyday (VINE)

New York City VINE Program

New York City’s VINE program is a free 24-hour hotline service. The phone number to call is 888-846-3469. VINE provides information about inmate custody/release information.  You can register for VINE alerts of inmates’ custody and release. For more information go to the NYC Department of Correction site by clicking this link. 

Here is a snapshot of what it provides:

  • Lets you know if an inmate is in custody or released.
  • You can register to receive an alert by phone if the inmate is released or transferred from the Department of Corrections custody.
  • Calls you to let you know that the inmate has been released or transferred from the Department of Corrections custody. It is an automated call.

To register with VINE:

  1. Make up a four-digit Personal Identification Number (PIN) that is personally significant to you and keep track of it.
  2. Identify the phone number you want to use to receive inmate/custody release. information.  Remember, VINE can only call you. It cannot email or text.
  3.  Know the inmates’ identification information.

Here is the identification information you will need:

  • The inmates New York State Identification Number (NYSID). This number is all you need to register for VINE.  You can get this from the prosecutor(s) on the case. 

If you don’t have the NYSID, three or more of the following will do. If you don’t have this information, you can normally get it from the police on the case. 

  • First name.
  • Last name.
  • Date of birth.
  • Date of the arrest.

For inmate custody and release information outside of New York City, please click on the link below.  

https://vinelink.com/#/home

 

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Safe from COVID-19. But even more Unsafe than usual at home!

By Voices of Women | March 23, 2020 in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, GENERAL NEWS, SURVIVORSHIP

COVID-19 has forced our lives to be different to usual.  And it’s difficult and challenging for “everyone”.  But for victims of Domestic Violence who now find themselves at home with their abusive partners for longer periods of time, due to the Social Isolation strategy being adopted, it is highly likely that the amount of abuse perpetrated will increase.  Not in every case.  But even in one case, of course, it is one case too many!

One of the principal tactics that an abuser makes use of, is Isolation.  Isolating his partner from anyone who could potentially be of any type of support to his partner in relation to managing or coping with or even escaping from the abuse that he inflicts upon her.  A call from heads of the City or State of New York City, such as Mayor de Blasio or Governor Cuomo, to practice Social Isolation, is a godsent gift for the abuser.  Or should we say, … a devilsent gift?!

Now the abuser’s work in this “department”, in the “Isolation Tactic department”, is done for him!  She is at home for the vast majority of the time.  And even when she is talking with or face-timing family members or friends, he is right there, to monitor her every word.  He can basically now say to her and do to her whatever he chooses with far less risk of her being able to get help.  It’s a dream come true for him.

It’s a nightmare for her!  A real-life nightmare with potentially dire, real-life consequences.  What if he physically attacks her?  Will her neighbor in the apartment to their right, who would previously have intervened by knocking on their door, still knock on their door?  If her husband answered the door, there would be far less than six feet between him and the neighbor!  Perhaps the neighbor will call the police.  But what if they arrive too late?  Or what if they do arrive in time, but because of Social Distancing, they don’t stay long?!  Or what if, even if the neighbor intervenes and the police turn up?  Imagine how furious her husband will be following that!!

VOW has created a Safety Planning document for those Living With An Abusive Partner.  You can find it on VOW’s website by clicking here, on Facebook and twitter @VoicesofWomen.

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Living With An Abusive Partner – Safety Planning

By Voices of Women | March 23, 2020 in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, GENERAL NEWS

While living with an abusive partner, safety planning for survivors, their children, and their pets of the utmost importance. Please use all or some of this safety plan to meet your needs. Created by survivors of domestic violence.

  • Determine your partner’s use of physical force so you can assess the risk to you and your family.
  • Pick safe areas to go to  in your home, free of your children. There should be no weapons and it is an area that you can go to, if you feel an argument is about to happen.
  • Teach your children how to get help. Make sure that they understand to not get involved in an argument.
  • Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children. Create a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave.  Plan and instruct them on a place for them to go.
  • Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation, and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.
  • Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away.
  • Keep important documents in a safe place, or with a trusted family member.
  • If possible, have a phone available at all times. If your life is in danger, call 911.

Trust your instincts. Abusers, stalkers, and perpetrators are often very determined to maintain control over their victims, and Technology is one of many tools used to do this. Information can come from a variety of sources, like monitoring your devices, accessing your online accounts, tracking your location, or gathering information about you online. Use safe devices and protect your usernames and passwords.

Be Safe & Healthy.

#VowNow

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Relief and Grief After Leaving An Abuser

By Voices of Women | February 25, 2020 in GENERAL NEWS

Most people, even those with little knowledge of the dynamics of domestic violence, would imagine that a survivor of domestic violence would feel a certain amount of relief once she has left the abusive relationship.  And even understand that the relief could quite possibly be tainted by the fear that the harm that he is capable of inflicting upon her may not have come to an end, despite the fact that she has physically removed herself from the relationship.  Less people would, I think, be imagining that the loss of an abusive relationship could stir up feelings of grief for a survivor.  Surely, she will not miss a man who abused her?!

In her 2010 paper, ‘Loss, Grief, and Domestic Violence’, Concetta Hollinger lists the losses that a victim of domestic violence could experience when she finds herself in an abusive relationship.  For example: Independence, (the victim is now controlled); Support from family and friends, (the abuser isolates his partner); Trust, (the abuser has betrayed that); The happy life and happy ending that she always dreamed she’d have.  Source: https://www.fcasv.org/sites/default/files/Loss,%20Grief,%20and%20Domestic%20Violence,%20Concetta%20Hollinger.pdf  Pages 30 – 32.  Retrieved 02/16/20.

Taking Concetta Hollinger’s ideas to a time further down the line – hopefully! – I would like to suggest a couple of losses that a survivor of domestic violence may experience and grieve for when she is first out of the abusive relationship.  It could well be that whilst in the abusive relationship, despite the horrors, she kept hoping that things would improve, that the abuse would stop, that he would “come to his senses” and start treating her as she deserved, start loving her.  So, now out of that relationship, she has lost that hope.  That hope will never now become a reality.

The other loss that may surprise a lot of people, and understandably so, is that she will mourn the loss of the abuser.  Not the abuse and not the abusive part of him, but the parts of him that she enjoyed and loved.  Such as: His sense of humor; the in-jokes that they shared; the adventures they went on together; the pleasurable, everyday routines they experienced; “their” songs, that they would sing along to together; their sexual relationship.  The “Dr. Jekyll side” of him.  Losing that side of him brought her grief.  That side of him was very real, and it existed alongside the “Mr. Hyde side” of him.  The two sides never showing themselves at the same time!

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When Orders of Protection Don’t Protect!

By Voices of Women | February 25, 2020 in GENERAL NEWS

Is there actually any point in a victim of Domestic Violence obtaining an Order of Protection against the person who has physically assaulted her?  We know that, despite an Order of Protection being a court order for a person to stay away from another person, sometimes a violent person will ignore this order.  Could it be, in some cases, that an Order of Protection is an additional motivating factor for a perpetrator of Domestic Violence to cause harm to his ex-partner?  For example, is his anger fueled by the fact that the object of his former control has made a clear gesture that she no longer wants him in her life?

There are times when an Order of Protection is in place and not only does the perpetrator of Domestic Violence not remain the required minimum, physical distance from his victim, but he gets close enough to her to assault and murder her.  One such case occurred in Durham, North Carolina, in November of last year, 2019.  Victoria St. Hillaire, who was just 28 years of age, and a mother, was shot and killed by her ex-boyfriend, Lequintin Ford, “as she arrived for work at UNC Family Medicine in Durham.”  Source: https://www.newsobserver.com/news/local/crime/article237578909.html  Retrieved 01/20/20.  The shooter then turned the gun on himself and killed himself with it.  It should be noted that this is not the first time that Lequintin Ford had violated an Order of Protection provided in an attempt to keep him away from Victoria and her family.

What are the circumstances under which an Order of Protection will achieve what it has set out to achieve?  I.e. Protection.  And when will it not?  This is surely a key factor in determining how victims of Domestic Violence in the future could possibly have a better chance of surviving once they have left an abusive partner.  As Kathy Hodges, deputy director of the Durham Crisis Response Center points out: “If this is an offender who doesn’t want to go to jail, who cares about their reputation and wants to look good in the community, it’s going to be a whole lot more meaningful for them than for someone who really doesn’t care if they get arrested.”  Source: https://www.newsobserver.com/news/local/crime/article237578909.html  Retrieved 01/20/20.

I had Orders of Protection against my abusive ex-boyfriend.  Each of the three points given by Kathy Hodges in the statement we have just read above were true for my abusive ex-boyfriend.  I.e. He did not want to go to jail or prison; he desperately wanted to keep up the fake, attractive appearance that he had successfully created both in the religious community to which he was affiliated and in the workplace; and he certainly had a lot to lose in relation to his career path, since he had graduated from medical school and was in the process of applying for a spot on a residency program.  Victoria St. Hillaire’s ex-boyfriend did not want to go to jail either.  However, for reasons unknown to me, he additionally had a desire to inflict the ultimate harm upon Victoria that was so consuming that he was willing to also end his own life.  Rest in peace, Victoria.

Security breach, system hacked alert with red broken padlock icon showing unsecure data under cyberattack, vulnerable access, compromised password, virus infection, internet network with binary code

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The Overlooked Heroes

By Voices of Women | January 14, 2020 in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

On November 13th of last year, a woman in Oregon, Ohio, called 911 to order a pizza.  She was not, in fact, in the mood for pizza. “This is 911; you have the wrong number.”  Fortunately, the 911 operator did not then automatically hang up. Emergency operators have a talent for picking up on and understanding tone of voice.  Nothing much surprises them. And they are skilled at thinking “outside the box”, as well as thinking logically and practically.

The woman continued with her plan.  “Pepperoni. One large.” The 911 operator proceeded to ask crucial questions.  The conversation would have gone something like this: “Are you in danger?” “Yes.”  “Is someone dangerous in the house with you?” “Yes.” “Is anyone else with you in the house besides the person of danger?” …  “Police are on their way to you. Stay on the line with me if it is safe for you to do so.”

In this November 13th 2019 case in Oregon, because of the awareness and carefulness of the 911 operator who took the pizza ordering call, a potentially very much worse situation was averted.  He, Tim Teneyck, is a hero. But “According to the National Emergency Number Association, … there are no national minimum training guidelines for 911 operators”.  Therefore, “responsibility for adequate training falls to states and local jurisdictions”.  Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/23/us/ohio-911-pizza-domestic-abuse.html  Retrieved 01/04/20.

The caller’s mother was being physically assaulted.  The 911 dispatcher ordered the police cars responding to the incident, to switch off their sirens as they became close to the destination.  The result of Mr. Teneyck’s judgement: A Mr. Lopez was arrested and charged with Domestic Violence.

For victims of Domestic Violence, speaking in a code language in an attempt to safely alert police to the imminent danger that they’re in, without raising suspicion on the part of the perpetrator, or would-be perpetrator, is potentially life-saving.  However, “Katie Ray-Jones, chief executive of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week”, although in favor of clever, coded safety techniques “warned that strategies such as ordering a pizza, which was … depicted in a 2015 Super Bowl commercial about domestic violence, may eventually become too familiar for survivors to use, and could tip off abusers.”  Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/23/us/ohio-911-pizza-domestic-abuse.html  Retrieved 01/04/20.

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Was it Overkill?

By Voices of Women | January 14, 2020 in COURT REFORM, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

“The Washington Post found that nearly half of the women who were murdered during the past decade were … killed by a current or former intimate partner. In a close analysis of five cities, about a third of the male killers were known to be a potential threat ahead of the attack.”  Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2018/investigations/domestic-violence-murders/  Retrieved 12/19/19.

It is understandable that women in physically abusive relationships are petrified of being murdered by their partners.  It can so easily happen, and it does! Some women fight back when being physically assaulted. Or at least attempt to. Sometimes a physical fight in which a woman fears for her life, will end with her killing her physically abusive partner.  “In U.S. law, killing in self-defense is not a crime; however for most women, neither the laws of self-defense nor evidence of battering work for women in actual trials. 75-80% of women who killed in self-defense are convicted or convinced to plead guilty, and are sentenced to long terms.”  Source: https://solidarity-us.org/atc/130/p729/  Retrieved 12/19/19.

When it comes to cases where a woman killed her current or former intimate partner in self-defense, for self-defense to be accepted by law, there are, what seem to be, massive hurdles that the defendant must surpass in order to escape being convicted of murder.  For example: There must be enough significant proof that there had been a history of physically violent behavior towards the defendant, committed by the deceased partner. “The majority of U.S. jurisdictions require that defendants use force only when there is a threat of “imminent” harm.”  Source: https://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199935352.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780199935352-e-5  Retrieved 12/19/19.  But would a victim of domestic violence take the risk of not taking preemptive action?  When her life was at stake! Also, part of this assessment can include the exploration of whether there was a way to retreat safely from the situation, instead of attacking/defending, that was not taken.  I would argue, perhaps controversially, that if a woman found herself about to be murdered by her partner or former partner, if she were to retreat, that threat of being murdered by him would follow her. She would remain in the category of “High Risk” for being murdered by him on another occasion.  

Additionally, “Virtually all formulations of self-defense require that the force used against an attacker be “necessary” for protection, or that the defendant reasonably believe it is.”  Source: https://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199935352.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780199935352-e-5  Retrieved: 12/19/19.  Is it fair to convict a woman who killed her intimate partner or former intimate partner, of murder on the grounds of excessive force?  For example: Sixteen stabs to his body, resulting in his death, in comparison to one fatal stab. The point I’m making: She had not trained in the “art” of stabbing techniques, to include knowledge of how many stabs are needed in order to render an attacker unable to strike back.  And in the moments of utter panic and fear for her life, she would likely not be thinking about the amount of stabs, but purely that she was protecting herself from being murdered.

Furthermore, “When victims of battering use self-defense, there are often stereotypes and misconceptions at play … a jury might disbelieve a defendant’s claim that she was in fear of her abuser because she chose to be in a relationship with him”  Source: https://www.inquirer.com/philly/news/crime/domestic-abuse-self-defense-philly-freebresha-letoya-ramseure-larry-krasner-20180829.html  Retrieved 12/19/19.  And such a lack of accurate understanding about Domestic Violence and the dynamics involved, on the part of both jurors and judges, can result in a woman having successfully fought for her life, only to lose her freedom to a term behind bars.

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No Respite for Domestic Violence Victims at Christmas Time.

By Voices of Women | December 23, 2019 in GENERAL NEWS

In 1963, Andy Williams’ song, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” was released.  Can you imagine walking through shopping malls at Christmas time, hearing this and other jolly tunes filling the space, when you know that this is most definitely not the most wonderful time of the year?

For women in abusive relationships, there is additional stress. They are burdened with the task of having to act as though they are living a “normal” life.  They do this for the sake of their young children; wanting their children to not miss out on the joy, excitement and “magic” of Christmas that other little children are experiencing.  And below, I’ll explain the other reason for this acting.

Some people believe that there is a rise in the amount of domestic violence over the holidays.  Whilst it is true that increased alcohol consumption could fuel tempers, “ … data available from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) shows a decline in the number of calls received during the holidays, including on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day”.  Source: https://nrcdv.org/publications/holiday-toolbox/  Retrieved 12/19/19.  This makes sense to me.

Domestic Violence is primarily a “Behind closed doors” phenomenon.  Holidays are typically times when extended family are around. Victims are expected by their abusive partners to put on a show that presents a picture of a loving, supportive relationship and family unit.  If she were to be witnessed by him, revealing any sort of indication to her family, (from which he usually isolates her), that he is anything less than the perfect partner or father, she would pay the price later once alone with him and out of earshot of potential protectors.  She knows this. She has been threatened. And from experience, she knows that his threats are carried out.

Decrease or increase in Domestic Violence reporting at Christmas time, for women who are in an abusive relationship, there is no one time of year that is exempt from the possibility of being abused.  “Incidents don’t happen on particular days, the abuser and victim are always somewhere in the pattern of abuse.” Source: https://breakthesilencedv.org/debunking-myths-dv-and-the-holidays/  Retrieved 12/19/19.

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Our Legal System Needs Urgent Revision!

By Voices of Women | November 24, 2019 in CRIMINAL JUSTICE REFORM

 

I refuse to call the Legal system in this country, a Justice system.  It is far, far from being just.  In fact, the system too often allows for gross miscarriages of justice, damaging many innocent people, to varying degrees.

Take the case of Susan Cox Powell.  In 2009, Susan mysteriously disappeared one night in Utah, leaving behind a husband and two young sons.  Her husband, Josh Powell, was not arrested, despite an overwhelming amount of facts that very strongly pointed towards the conclusion that he was behind the disappearance, and likely death, of his wife.

Josh Powell said, “he’d taken his two sons on a sudden late-night camping trip the night his wife was last seen, despite freezing temperatures and a snowstorm.”  Source: https://www.cheatsheet.com/entertainment/dateline-investigates-the-disappearance-of-susan-powell-in-new-2-hour-special.html/  Retrieved 11/20/19.  After the disappearance, one of the sons, when being interviewed separately from their father at a police station, said that his Mom had gone on that trip too!  She never came back.

I understand the hesitation to declare a person guilty until there is enough evidence.  Innocent until proven guilty.  Susan’s body was not found.  But Susan had confided in female friends, letting them know that Josh was a controlling, abusive husband.  And Susan had consulted a divorce lawyer.  We know that one of the most dangerous times for a victim of domestic violence is when the abusive partner finds out that his partner has decided to leave the relationship.

Following the highly suspicious disappearance of Susan, the two sons, Charles and Braden, (then ages four years and two years), were initially allowed to stay living with their father, Josh.  I see this, in basic terms, as allowing a suspected murderer to be allowed to freely take care of two very young children.  Josh had moved in with his father.  When Josh’s father was arrested for child pornography, the situation was re-visited and Charles and Braden went to live with the parents of Susan Powell, their grandparents.  A judge ruled that Josh Powell could see his sons, with supervision.  Supervision in the form of a social worker being present.

In 2012, a social worker arrived with Charles and Braden at a house that Josh was renting.  Charles and Braden entered the house.  Josh shut the front door on the social worker before she had a chance to enter.  Then, in the spirit of pure evil, “Josh killed himself and his two children in a murder-suicide, attacking the boys with a hatchet before setting his home on fire, leading to an explosion.”  Source: https://www.cheatsheet.com/entertainment/dateline-investigates-the-disappearance-of-susan-powell-in-new-2-hour-special.html/  Retrieved 11/20/19.

Meanwhile, despite so many reasons to back up the innocence of Rodney Reed, Rodney Reed “has spent the past 22 years in prison after being convicted of the 1996 murder of Stacy Stites.”  Source: https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/rodney-reed-jason-flom-wrongful-conviction-interview-913170/  Retrieved 11/20/19.  For example, “Rodney Reed and Stacey Stites were having a consensual sexual relationship.”  Source: https://www.innocenceproject.org/10-facts-you-need-to-know-about-rodney-reed-who-is-scheduled-for-execution-on-november-20/  Retrieved 11/20/19.  So, accusing Rodney Reed of rape and murder makes no sense.  By the way, Rodney Reed is a black man.  Furthermore, a prison-mate of Jimmy Fennell’s, (Jimmy Fennell being the man who had been engaged to Stacey, and both Jimmy and Stacey being white people), reported that he had heard Jimmy Fennell confessing “to murdering Stacey stating, “I had to kill my n*****-loving fiancée”.  Note: Jimmy Fennell “served a 10-year prison term for a sex crime and kidnapping” after Stacey Stites was murdered.  Source: https://www.innocenceproject.org/10-facts-you-need-to-know-about-rodney-reed-who-is-scheduled-for-execution-on-november-20/  Retrieved 11/20/19.

Rodney Reed was due to be executed in Texas today, November 20th, 2019.  Fortunately, this execution was halted.  Just five days ago!  But, … Bitter-sweet.  Innocent people in prison for decades for crimes they did not commit?!  Where is the justice?!

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To Trust, or Not to Trust?

By Voices of Women | November 9, 2019 in GENERAL NEWS

 

To trust, or not to trust?  That is the question.  After exiting from a relationship in which one was abused, how ought one best approach the issue of trust?  In my case, possibly unusually, despite having been quite severely abused, both physically and emotionally, I did not struggle to trust future men who entered my life as potential partners.  Am I saying that this is a positive thing?

On the one hand, I believe it is.  For it means that I was not allowing the bad behavior/character of my abusive ex-boyfriend to lead me to automatically distrust other men, therefore giving any new man in my life a fair chance to show me naturally whether he was to be trusted or not.

On the other hand, I am questioning the ease with which I trust men.  Is this innate trust that I seem to have perhaps one of the factors that led me deeper, further, into an abusive relationship?  Trusting when it wasn’t earned, when it wasn’t deserved.  Trusting when to others it would have been obvious that the man cannot be trusted!

In the abusive relationship that I found myself in, and in a subsequent long-term relationship in which my partner was, unbeknownst to me, cheating on me, I most definitely had a habit of giving the man I was with, the benefit of the doubt.  Again, and again, and again.  And that was despite my doubts, my suspicions, the warning signs!  So, given that I did see the “red flags”, we can say that this is not a case of blindly trusting.  So, on what basis has my trust lived?

I have asked myself this question.  My deep well of trust was not born out of naivety.  I saw the signs that pointed towards reasons to either at least suspend judgment as to whether something that he said was true, or to veer towards distrusting his future actions in advance because of so many past let-downs.  Let-downs like the broken promises to change, to do better.  So, why did I keep trusting?  Actually, I think the more pertinent question is: Why did I keep hoping?  Hoping that things would change for the better.  Hoping that he would stop hurting me, in any form.  I think the simple answer to that, although it is actually more complicated, is twofold.  1. Since I find it so difficult to “wrap my head around” the fact that a person can and does hurt another person, especially his/her partner, I struggle to believe, or perhaps to accept, that a person would not want to change his/her behavior and work seriously hard on doing so.  And 2. Because I wanted so very much for him to change, as there were some things about him and our relationship that I loved, I didn’t want to lose those things and I fantasized about his cruel ‘side’ leaving him.

So, when does one give up hoping that things will change?  When is enough, enough?!

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Sexual Assault of an Unconscious, Intoxicated Woman

By Voices of Women | September 23, 2019 in CRIMINAL JUSTICE REFORM, RAPE CULTURE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SURVIVORSHIP

Back in 2015, a man sexually assaulted a woman on a college campus and it became “huge” news!  Why?  Initially, because the victim was unconscious at the time, due to being intoxicated, and because the perpetrator of the assault was at the time a budding athlete and a member of Stanford University’s swim team.  And later, uproar from some, when the perpetrator’s father, Dan A. Turner, let it be known that he believed that prison was too harsh of a punishment for his son and referred to the sexual assault as “20 minutes of action”!  Giving his opinion on the proposed six years prison sentence, Dan Turner wrote in a letter submitted to the court: “That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action”.  Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/06/06/a-steep-price-to-pay-for-20-minutes-of-action-dad-defends-stanford-sex-offender/  Retrieved 9/18/19.

Back in 2016, the victim of the sexual assault, then not named, criticized how much attention the media was giving to the impressive swimming ability that the defendant had and the negative effect that this incident would have on his future in relation to opportunities as a professional athlete.  “The fact that Brock was an athlete at a private university should not be seen as an entitlement to leniency.”  Source: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jun/02/stanford-swimmer-sexual-assault-brock-allen-turner-palo-alto  Retrieved 9/18/19.

Earlier this month, more than three years following the sexual assault, the victim has revealed her identity to the public.  She is now no longer just seen as the intoxicated, unconscious woman.  She is Chanel Miller.  She has a book coming out on September 24th.

It is my hope that the book has a decent-sized portion dedicated to acknowledging the two “angels” who by chance witnessed Brock Turner sexually assaulting Chanel Miller in 2015 as they were cycling through the campus, and stepped in, one of them going to the aid of the victim and the other chasing the perpetrator as he attempted to flee the scene and managing to stop him and hold him there until police arrived.

We, the public, need to be made aware of and potentially educated about acts of abuse, such as sexual assault.  For example: Possible circumstances, dynamics, consequences.  I also believe that we could benefit from more emphasis being given by the media on the details related to any heroes/heroines involved in violent crime stories.  Had Carl-Fredrik Arndt and Peter Jonsson not intervened the night of Chanel Miller’s attack, the outcome of the story would have been different.  Let’s increase positive reinforcement of good/right behavior, as well as paying attention to bad/wrong behavior!

Note: Although “Bystander Intervention” is potentially very valuable.  It can also unintentionally escalate a situation, making it worse!

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